We Are the Living Dead. [entries|friends|calendar] Stephamphetamine [ website | stephspace ] [ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ] [ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

[20 Feb 2007|04:11am] [ mood | tired ] [ music | Elevator Music in my Head ] So basically... I can't sleep without alcohol. It's sad. Tomorrow I'm going to go get some sleeping aides.

[13 Feb 2007|11:16am] I'm going to leave this place this weekend, and never return. My parents are going to be disappointed beyond reason, but I just can't stay here. I've been sick to my stomach, for a good while now... and I intoxicate myself to get rid of it and end up worse when I sober up; it's a viscious cycle. I know that if I could bare until it leaves on its own, I'd be better but I'm too easy on myself. I want to die.

[02 Feb 2007|10:20am] [ mood | satisfied ] [ music | The Used - I'm a Fake ] I officialy am not going to live by the code "Chicks Before Dicks" ever again. At least I know that the dicks will never screw me over like the chicks do. I've come to terms with it: I'm a female with a male mentality and an asexual personality, therefore I get along with the guys better. I give up on finding my group of girls now that I knnow I'm happiest without the backstabbing and drama. I will never bite the hand that feeds.

[02 Feb 2007|12:33am] [ mood | rejected ] [ music | Muse - Blackout ] So I'm apparently known as the official easy talking whore of Valdosta... Much thanks to my "friends" whom I've become close to and trusted without question. I thought I was beening a good friend, but obviously my flaws cover up my good deeds. It's okay, I'll get over it; besides they're all drunk right now so 99% of what they say is void. ( It still hurts though ) I feel so worthless and rejected. Who can I trust other than the two guys I've known and never got hurt by? I want to die. All I wanted since middle school was to be accepted into a group of girls. I thought I finally had it... but no. Not even her, who I trusted the most. I can't stop crying like an emo douche. I must have been one fuck up to be treated like this... Even after all I've put up with for them. I hate myself.

[29 Jan 2007|06:19am] I don't think I've ever been this close to death in a while. I'm never touching caffine pills again.

[27 Jan 2007|08:59am] [ mood | furious ] [ music | Blue October - Hate Me ] First off... I AM PISSED OFF!!! Okay, so here's how it went down: Last night Christina and I went to Rum Runners for the theatre party; I really didn't want to go because the theatre kids scare me, but since Christina has been so awesome to me I decided to tag along. We get there and a couple of kids chill with us, I had a few drinks (enough to get me slightly buzzed) and I basically sit there for the rest of the night while being practically molested. I hated it, and wanted to leave the whole time I was there. When the kid that kept trying to get into my pants left, I asked Christina if she wanted to leave. She said that she'd find another ride and I should go... so I did. Turns out she didn't mean what she said, so I basically screwed her over. I felt like shit the rest of the night until I forced myself to pass out. It was a bad night... I hate males. They screw EVERYTHING up.

[26 Jan 2007|09:40am] [ mood | excited ] So am I the only one that thinks drinking is the most fun a girl can have right before taking off her clothes? Because you know it's going to happen when you're intoxicated =]

[26 Jan 2007|03:12am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | AFI - Love Like Winter ] It's 3:30AM and there's nothing but a bottle of vodka and my slumbering roommate keeping me awake aside from the unbearable disphoria that has taken over me. I overdosed yet again on my meds, taking 10 pills (200mg) of Prozac which I am only prescribed to take 3 pills (60mg). This should ease my discomfort; after all... Prozac is the new Penicillin. I don't know what to do anymore. I love them both; they are both my friends, yet I cannot be seen with one another. My only reliance is the girl that I have always feared. She is the wall which I lean against while I try to work things out, and without her stability and warmth I will surely not be here by now.

[25 Jan 2007|07:28am] [ mood | restless ] [ music | Penknifelovelife - Touch Me Again ] The sex The drugs and The complications. I've been in both of their shoes... HELL, I've been in all three of their shoes and none of them are pleasant in the least bit. The ones that betray are crushed by guilt and the unbearable sight and sound of their beloved bursting into tears; listening to them, unable to speak from confusion and anger, wanting so despiratly to wipe off their faces for them but know that they have no right to. The one who's betrayed feels empty. Hollow. Like there is nothing in the world that is real anymore; the void fluid of nothingness fills the inside of their body, replacing the once animate blood that ran through their veins. They lose all hope in the ones that betrayed them. Last night, I realized how much I've matured since the days that I willingly put myself in those situations. Some things are better left untouched, and how friendship and trust is much more valuable than any spur of the moment love affair. Watching her bawl her eyes and heart out brought back vivid images of my once dramatic past; while rubbing her back to comfort her, I felt for the first time what my mother must have felt when I was caught up in the same things. A mix of friendly-maturnal love with an infinite understanding of how much she was, and still is, hurting; I wanted to tell her that in the end everything will be ok and that her true friends will always be there for her. Things will happen, and you are not out of the woods quite yet... but Julie, believe it or not, you will one day thank that this has happened. I love you.

[23 Jan 2007|06:44am] [ mood | cranky ] [ music | WIRES!WIRES! - Sally's Song ] Hello world!!! I feel like MURDER!!! I woke up randomly at three in the morning after my shallow 4 hour nap, and I've been trying to fall back asleep since but it seems to have no use. I guess I should just give up and say I'm becoming an alcoholic (or already am) and I need cheap champagne to help me fall asleep. Speaking of cheap champagne, I haven't made out with any Andre bottles in like two days... what is this world coming to?! I NEED MY LOVER ANDRE TO COME HERE AND SHOWER ME IN HIS 9.5% ALCOHOL CONTENT PRESENCE AND MAKE ME FEEL ALIVE AGAIN. Other than my narcoleptic insomic tendencies, I guess things are ok. I don't have any grades in classes yet, so I don't know what's going to be up. My mind is slowly decaying, and soon I feel like I will no longer be able to think on levels that I was able to in the past. I'm going for the Dean's list this semester, and I probably will have no problems making it just as long as I can make it to my classes for attendence. It sucks that I can no longer roam the mall like the mall rat that I am, due to a minor sickening factor that almost made me lose my lunch the other day.

[22 Jan 2007|07:16pm] [ mood | groggy ] [ music | Fight Paris - Destroyer ] So this is how things are right now: 1. I'm sick 2. I'm narcoleptic 3. I'm depressed 4. I'm tired most of the time 5. I'm useless Things are working out so well for my friends, and I'm happy for them, yet at the same time it makes me feel like a complete failure. I think I need to find my center again so I'll be able to cope with myself. This is getting a little out of hand, and I really need to go see Hutto soon before my meds run out. Ahhh... This makes me sound like a looneybin dweller, but I can't deny that I was sent there six times in the past out of my stupid teenage angst. GAY! But I guess I just have to deal. So I made this list of people that creep me the fuck out and someday wish to kill. Enjoy. 1. Mike Feces 2. Creepi Chris 3. John Lees 4. Matt Meeks 5. Dominick Bethel 6. Basically every guy in Meeks' group I must be bored out of my mind. That's what I get for partying too much last weekend.

[22 Jan 2007|05:59am] [ mood | exhausted ] [ music | Nodes of Ranvier - Don't Blink ] Basically, I'm losing my mind. I spent the whole weekend intoxicated. Nothing feels real anymore. I think I'm going on that downward spiral again.

[11 Jan 2007|08:48pm] [ mood | giggly ] [ music | Dead Prez - Hip Hop ] Hello. I'm totally in the Reade Cave!!! I'm tispy. Well let me tell you about me week. Yesterday, Adam Skeezeball Turnbull tells me that I have a STD!!! What a bitch!!! Then he futher skeezes on about how I should inform someone else about it! OMFG!!! OMFGGGGGG!!! So today I went to health center and got myself checked out for a good hour, and then got the news that I was infact NOT infected. HECK YES!!! THAT SKEEZEBULL!!!

[02 Jan 2007|10:58am] [ mood | anxious ] [ music | Wires!Wires! - Velocet ] New Years Eve was a bummer. I held a hotel party that I wasn't allowed to go to due to my parents being weird. I'm looking foward to going back to school. I'm going to miss Lil Ant.

[27 Dec 2006|04:24pm] [ mood | dumb ] [ music | Bloody Sunday - The Stand ] Things I woke up to this morning: 1. A ♥ carved into my hand 2. A heavy cat on my stomach 3. A hang over 4. Grace flipping her shit because she lost her car keys 5. A massive colony of hickies on my neck The conclusion: It was a good night.

[24 Dec 2006|08:29pm] [ mood | calm ] [ music | Nodes of Ranvier - Don't Blink ] Last night I got TRASHED. Apparently, after my Besteresetesetesetsest friend drove my car back to my house for me, I stumbled out of the car, fell on the ground about five times, somehow managed to open the garage door and passed out on my mother's bed. I woke up this morning with a headache from the ninth level of hell and I've been kind of queezey all day. My mother had a nice laugh watcing me lag around everywhere and made me go grocery shopping with her to Super H-Mart. I hate FOB Asians.

[23 Dec 2006|01:50am] [ mood | melancholy ] [ music | HeavyHeavyLowLow - Inhalent Abuse ] Ok so it all boils down to FUCK LOVE I'm never going to be happy again. I'm never going to find the right one for me. I'm never going to find my other half. I'm never going to feel complete. I'm never going to see what true love is. I'm never going to fall asleep next to someone I love. I'm never going to wake up next to that person. I'm never going to see the spawn of my own flesh and blood. I'm never going to be able to accept myself. I'm never going to fulfill my need for affection. EVER. I just want to give up and die, I really don't give half a fuck anymore. At first I just thought I was being emo like always but this time it's way too intense. All I wanted was one perfect love, WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO FUCKING ASK FOR? All I'm ever going to be is a useless side-skank that people use to cheat on their girlfriends. Oh look at Steph, yeah she's cool... let's all fuck her because she's so easy. Then let's be all nice to her when she's around then talk a whole bunch of shit behind her back. YEAH! AND LET'S FUCK HER BEST FRIEND WHILE WE'RE AT IT! Nothing ever changes, ever. No matter what best friend I have, no matter who I hang out with, no matter how close to them I get; the scenario is always the same. Everyone's all the fucking same... and I thought I finally found something sparkle and reached out; fool's gold once again. This is some how all my fault. I did something to deserve this, and therefore I'm paying the ugly price of something rotten that I've done. Sometimes I wish I could just go to sleep, and never wake up again. Sometimes? Pft, All the time.

[22 Dec 2006|01:32pm] [ mood | creative ] [ music | Placebo - Meds ] Baby..did you forget to take your meds? Baby..did you forget to take your meds? Baby..did you forget to take your meds? Baby..did you forget to take your meds? And the sex and the drugs, and the complications. And the sex and the drugs, and the complications. And the sex and the drugs, and the complications. And the sex and the drugs, and the complications. OH BOY!!! I ordered the new Placebo CD!!! I just so happened to stumble across their myspace in search of "Every Me and Every You" but instead they had the new one up... AND I FELL IN INSTANT LOVE WITH IT!!! I ♥ English bands. Sooooo the plan for today is to wait for Jordan to get off of work then go skeeze around in search of something to do. We NEVER have anything good to do... EVER. I challenged Anthony to a Fasion X Fight, because we're both trendy kids. Everyone in Valdumpster, with an exception of a handful of select few individuals, throws on something that's straight from an American Eagle store and thinks it's okay. NO! That's not being trendy! That's being a walking bilboard!!! It takes skill to throw on something that someone else threw out and still look nice and trendy in it!!! SO SHOVE IT YOU VALDUMPSTER DWELLERS IN ABERCROMBIE DRAG!!!!

[21 Dec 2006|10:38pm] [ mood | indifferent ] [ music | Flee the Seen - Celebrate the Static ] BORED. BORED. BORED. Waiting for New Years so I have a reason to get intoxicated beyond reason. Talked to Adam by the means of texts, which made me happy. I think I'm slowly losing it, and I can't tell anyone because they'll try to stop me. Maybe this insanity is my way of coping with the world. If that's it... I think I found my center.

[17 Dec 2006|11:04pm] [ mood | irritated ] [ music | Bloody Sunday - The Stand ] It's over for good. Tomorrow I'm going to go pick up my mice and a few other belongings. My mother's concerned that he might try something like kill me or rape me or something. I think it's kind of stupid, yet sadly I can't say that it's not a possibility. What has this world come to? In the end, obviously, it doesn't matter. But some things never get better Like used cars and bad livers. So you traded her in for a better looking brand. One with fake porno tits A pad lock on her lips Disposable tan Biodegradable hands. Tomorrow, Christina and I are going to meet at Little Five Points and hopefully get wasted later on. YAAAAAYYYY!!!

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